200 Things That Won't Happen In Cryptic Cravings
by Mrs. Alexander Sterling
Summary: 200 things that I think will never happen in the next book in the Vampire Kisses series. Please read and review, enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This fanfic is the result of ultimate boredom. Just a compilation of 100 things that most likely will NOT happen in the next book in the Vampire Kisses series, Cryptic Cravings. I know most of these are ridiculous/stupid/not worth your time, blah blah…but I felt like writing this, so deal with it. I do not own Vampire Kisses, Ellen Schreiber does, please read and review! Lots of love, Mrs. Alexander Sterling.**

1. Jagger builds a "Big Bears" club in Dullsville.

2. Raven "wets the coffin" so to speak.

3. Trevor gets fat.

4. Raven has an affair with Jameson…

5. Alexander gets his nipples pierced.

6. Matt knocks up Aunt Libby.

7. Jameson and Ruby are caught having sex in the Mercedes.

8. Trevor wears combat boots.

9. Raven catches Alexander shaving his legs.

10. Alexander takes a whiz on Becky's truck.

11. Raven and Alexander go surfing.

12. Raven gets eaten by a shark, leaving nothing but her foot, which Alexander cherishes for all of eternity.

13. Raven becomes a cast member for the show _Jersey Shore._

14. Sebastian dies, so Alexander has his dead carcass stuffed.

15. Nightmare gets shaved bald.

16. Billy hits puberty, and attempts sex with the neighbor's dog.

17. Raven's parents force her to go on the show Parental Control.

18. Jagger, Matt and Trevor have a gay threesome.

19. Raven wears pink nail polish.

20. Alexander persuades Raven to get breast implants.

**Read and review, y'all. XD**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I'm surprised so many people find this entertaining! Thanks for the reviews, I appreciate it! So here's the next 20 things that won't happen in Cryptic Cravings. Lots of love, Mrs. Alexander Sterling.**

1. Alexander gets a dog and names it "Dog."

2. Raven bitch slaps Jagger with a raw steak.

3. Jameson has a stripper pole installed in the gazebo.

4. Jagger visit's the gynecologist.

5. Trevor finishes all sentences with "in accordance to prophecy."

6. Raven grows out her chin hairs.

7. Alexander wears a sparkly cape that says "The Magnificent One."

8. Matt shaves off his eye brows.

9. Alexander bites Raven and she turns into a kiwi.

10. Alexander sits on the kiwi everyday to keep it warm and ensure it hatches properly.

11. Alexander gets a Facebook.

12. Sebastian becomes a rapper.

13. Jameson pees in ice cube trays, then freezes them.

14. Alexander tattoos his dick to make it look like a paint brush.

15. Jagger joins a boy band…

16. Becky becomes a drug dealer.

17. Sebastian gets gummy bears stuck in his dreads.

18. Matt willingly picks them out with his teeth.

19. Alexander bathes in bacon bits and melted butter.

20. Alexander and matt give each other manis/pedis.

**Review guys! I won't update unless you review! XD My bitch TwilightDisney556 is helping me write the next chapter, so I'll try and have it up as soon as I can. And be sure to check out her page if you're a fan of Twilight/Nightmare Before Christmas. She's a great writer. Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Thanks so much for the reviews, especially Lilly Tagloft. They're very motivating and I'm so glad y'all like them. I'm thinking of changing this to 300 things maybe, because Cryptic Cravings won't be out for at least another eternity. So tell me what you think! Also, I'd like to thank TwilightDisney556 for helping me with this chapter, love you, girl. Read and review, enjoy!**

1. Alexander set up his coffin in a ball pit.

2. Raven camps out in Taco Bell.

3. Becky and Luna make a porno.

4. Jagger turns into a marshmallow and eats himself.

5. Sebastian pleasures himself with a soda can.

6. Trevor takes up the art of using Bump-Its.

7. Alexander says to Jameson, "oh, you dirty whore!"

8. When Jagger turns into a bat, he is taken hostage by a herd of llamas.

9. Alexander and Trevor play hide and seek in a big vending machine.

10. Raven shoves a rolling pin up Alexander's ass.

11. Trevor gets a pet snail.

12. Alexander develops a pineapple fetish.

13. Raven gets a job at Hollister.

14. Raven and Alexander finger paint.

15. Alexander commits suicide by going to a tanning salon.

16. Raven eats spaghetti off Jameson's head.

17. Trevor grows a pedophile-style moustache.

18. Jameson gets a hot tub in the drawing room.

19. Sebastian's hair gets stuck in the belt of a treadmill.

20. Jagger blows snot rockets in Alexander's bloody beverages.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: So I'm probably extending this to 300 things! Also, inbox me something funny/random that you don't think will happen in Cryptic Cravings. But make sure you send it in a message, not a review! And I'll pick my favorite three and publish them in the next chapter! I think it'll be a fun little twist.**

1. Trevor turns into a fly.

2. Alexander makes shish kebabs out of live hamsters.

3. Sebastian throws Nightmare into a food processor.

4. Jagger attempts to eat Raven's foot.

5. Raven eats deodorant.

6. Luna craps all over Alexander's easel.

7. Matt picks his nose with Alexander's paintbrush.

8. Trevor sells lollipops made of 9-volt batteries.

9. Jagger bites Raven's chest and her boobs deflate.

10. Jameson attempts vacuuming the ceiling.

11. Alexander fills Raven's bras with melted butter.

12. Alexander then puts the buttery bras in the freezer.

13. Becky mows the lawn with scissors.

14. Trevor and Matt play connect four.

15. Alexander waxes his pubes.

16. Trevor tattoos Raven's name on his left butt cheek.

17. Jagger hops around the cemetery on a pogo stick.

18. Alexander goes to the spa.

19. Raven gets a tan.

20. Becky becomes a wrestler.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Okay, so I changed the title to 300 because I'd hate for this to be the last chapter. And I took suggestions for this chapter and the last five are from fellow reviewers. I promise to take more suggestions in later chapters to twist it up a bit. Y'all have great ideas! Review! Lots of love, Mrs. Alexander Sterling.**

1. Matt stars on Sesame Street.

2. Trevor pees in his locker.

3. Trevor gets his knee caps pierced.

4. Raven goes to med school.

5. Alexander gets a mullet.

6. Trevor gets his hair stuck in a blender.

7. Alexander walks on the moon.

8. Trevor eats dog food.

9. Jameson goes on a NASCAR race with the Mercedes.

10. Sebastian rides a giraffe to Vegas.

11. Alexander gets his belly button pierced.

12. Alexander flies a kite out of his ass.

13. Jagger and Alexander have a burrito-eating contest.

14. Billy fails a test.

15. Alexander becomes a human.

16. _Alexander becomes a monk. _-lylaBITEZx

17. _Matt takes a bubble bath with a rubber duckie named Philippe. _-biteoutoflife

18. _Sebastian suddenly develops the skills to play the tuba. _-biteoutoflife

19. _Alexander gets on a talk show and jumps up and down on the sofa announcing his love for waffles to the world. _-biteoutoflife

20. _Valentine writes a motivational book. _-biteoutoflife


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Thanks again for all the suggestions! Maybe in the next chapter you'll see one or two. And I know I'm updating this fast but it's only because I smashed my leg yesterday and can't really walk anywhere. I have to rely on crutches and an immobilizer! So here's to 20 more things that won't happen in Cryptic Cravings. Read and review! Lots of love, Mrs. Alexander Sterling.**

1. Alexander drinks Nightmare's blood.

2. Raven and Trevor go to the salon together.

3. Alexander takes Jagger on a date to Chuck E Cheese.

4. Jameson gets famous for distribution of child pornography, starring Billy.

5. Trevor takes up exotic belly dancing.

6. Jameson accidentally vacuums up all his floral scented bath salts.

7. Alexander becomes a star flautist.

8. Jameson and Ruby elope in a trailer.

9. They then live as rednecks.

10. Jagger goes to the gym.

11. While at the gym, Jagger makes extended eye contact with old flabby men.

12. Matt enters a snot-bubble-blowing contest.

13. Nightmare has kitties with cat bodies and Trevor heads.

14. Jagger dyes his hair pink.

15. Jameson does the moonwalk in his underwear during Raven and Alexander's dinner date.

16. Trevor knocks up Ruby.

17. Trevor gets pet leeches.

18. Raven starts a porn collection.

19. Jagger cries.

20. Raven invents a black toothpaste and inherits millions.


	7. Chapter 7

1. Raven sticks Alexander's paint brushes up her nose.

2. Raven starts raising chickens.

3. Jameson and Trevor play Dance Dance Revolution.

4. Becky goes Goth.

5. Alexander dies after drinking Sunny D.

6. Jameson becomes a hoarder.

7. He additionally hoards 200 hermit crabs around the mansion.

8. Alexander then gets eaten alive by the hermit crabs.

9. Sebastian kisses Bob Barker live on _The Price Is Right._

10. Jameson serves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Alexander's birthday dinner.

11. Luna becomes a famous yodeler.

12. Alexander wears a pink Speedo.

13. Alexander cheats on Raven with Snooki from _Jersey Shore._

14. Sebastian buys Luna a soft pretzel from the gas station for her birthday.

15. Trevor piddles on a newspaper in class.

16. Alexander breaks off his fang.

17. Raven then wears the fang on a chain around her neck.

18. Alexander aspires to be just like Van Goh, so he chops his ear off.

19. Jameson keeps the ear as a pet, and talks to it everyday.

20. _Trevor comes out of the closet and confesses his undying love and affection for Alexander. _-ToFearDeathNever


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Wow, it's been quite a while, eh? My apologies, and I'm sorry I changed the name (again) but Cryptic Cravings comes out in less than three weeks, and I really don't think I'll make it to 300 by then. I hope you enjoy the rest, and please, review!**

1. Raven attempts sex with a soda can.

2. Alexander mows Raven's lawn.

3. Alexander wears a shirt that says "BUTT SEX" on it.

4. Luna rapes Becky.

5. Jameson tries to vacuum rainwater off the sidewalk.

6. Alexander starts to mimic Edward Cullen…

7. Trevor develops a raging fetish for stink bugs.

8. Becky dyes her hair black and pink.

9. Matt pukes in Alexander's coffin.

10. Jameson shaves his legs while driving.

11. Sebastian purchases an electric back-scratcher.

12. Alexander joins a country band.

13. Trevor gets bitten by a mosquito and cries over it.

14. Alexander pees garlic butter.

15. Raven licks Trevor's foot.

16. Trevor's grandmother molests Alexander.

17. Alexander starts going EVERYWHERE shirtless.

18. While going everywhere shirtless, Alexander insists on greasing his body with oil like wrestlers do.

19. Jameson has Ruby paint his toenails.

20. Alexander paints a Paint-By-Number painting.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Hey guys, sorry if you think these are getting lame, but ya know, I try. Haaa, review! **

1. Trevor gives Alexander a noogie.

2. Raven does Tai Chi exercises during a dinner date with Alexander.

3. Alexander develops an uncontrollable case of tourretes.

4. Jameson takes up harmonica playing.

5. Alexander wears a pink polo shirt.

6. Sebastian insists that he'll only take walks with Alexander if he can put Alexander on a leash.

7. Trevor and Alexander have a rubber band snapping war.

8. Alexander compliments Raven by comparing her to Luna.

9. Jagger wears clothes that are three sizes too small.

10. Trevor gets a pet iguana.

11. He names it "Raven Symone."

12. Jameson gets a septum piercing.

13. Alexander goes to Raven's house over the holidays to find she comes from a family of rednecks.

14. Alexander purchases a strap-on.

15. Raven wards off preps at school with a power drill.

16. Trevor wears skinny jeans…that are yellow.

17. Ruby wears black.

18. Jameson drives OVER the speed limit.

19. Trevor shaves his nipples.

20. Sebastian becomes a Jehovah's witness.


End file.
